Chapter Thirty-Two: The Dream

16 Feb
BTW when you are done reading this chapter. If you think thinking is fun; if you think philosophy should be for everyone try reading  TheMapThinker.com

BTW when you are done reading this chapter. If you think thinking is fun; if you think philosophy should be for everyone try reading TheMapThinker.com

 

Kick off the damn covers. When I can’t sleep the covers always seem to bind me. To tie me down. They bind me and I must free myself of restraint. When I dream my dreams limit me. I kick off the dream, I kick off the blanket. I still don’t establish control.

Tonight I dreamed of murder. Not just any murder. Slow tortuous murder. Painful descent into oblivion. Until I finally killed him out of frustration. It was no longer possible to get a reaction from him.

Guns are stupid. Like pulling back the foreskin of a penis and letting it fly where ever it landed. Like dropping a bomb on a city. There may be some joy in watching the explosion, but it is a distant joy. A mild pleasure compared to the real thing.

Shooting the horse. Shooting the prostitute. Those were mechanical things. No more fun than a video game where nothing is real. They may be fun but the heart pounding ecstasy is not there.

I’m so horny. Doesn’t matter. Nothing will help. Nothing will satisfy because it is not the real thing.

The look in his eye. The look I saw in my dream. The look I remembered in my dream.

I want to run out and grab somebody and do it again.

NO!

This can’t be happening.

I see it coming. I’m an addict. I’m addicted already to murder. The worst kind of murder. You can’t get away with it forever. It takes too much. You have to hide people. You have to keep them for long periods of time locked up so they can’t escape. You have to make sure they cannot be found or heard.

No way am I equipped for all of that.

Besides, sooner or later you will be caught.

Dammit.

What if, maybe, what if the target is someone who really deserves it? Someone who should be killed? A Dexter kind of thing.

NO!

I don’t want to go through life killing and torturing people. I want to live a nice normal life-like everybody else.

What am I going to do?

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